


One Last Time

by Semi_problematic



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Chronic Pain, F/M, First Kiss, Goodbyes, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-10 00:57:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15280071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: "I love you both so much," Carl began. Goodbyes were always hard for him. Saying goodbye to his dad when he left for work. Saying goodbye to his mom when she dropped him off. He never liked goodbyes. They sounded definite. "You've helped me grow up and be who I am and...I.. I don't regret anything. It's all helped me... and I'm just... you guys are so good. You're gonna make this world good again. I know you will, but don't do it for me. Do it for yourself."





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> Carl is 18 cuz I say so

Smoke surrounded the church like fog, the soft crackle of fire filled the air. Most of the world had stopped burning. Houses were turned to ashes and the sounds of people crying had disappeared. Beneath Carl the wooden panels of the church creaked sending a splitting pain througout his body. It hurt to move, to breathe, to live. He didn't want it to end but he needed to. It hurt so bad and it wasn't only hurting him, but also Rick and Michonne, who hovered over him with tears in their eyes.

Carl was scared. He spent days preparing himself for dying but he didn't know it was this bad. Carl shot a boy once and now it was all he could think about. Was that boy terrified of dying too? Was he shaking and panicking? Gabe always told him that God walked people through to the other side, but Carl wasn't religious. He was when he was younger, but now he couldn't believe in a God that would allow such things to happen. So much pain and suffering. 

Slowly, Carls fingers curled around his gun. The small movement hurt, but he was a step closer to the pain ending. He had never been suicidal, but now putting a bullet in his head sounded relieving. His father wouldn't have to do it and neither would Michonne. They were in enough pain, Carl wasn't going to force them to deal with more. 

"I need you to leave," Carl whispered, pulling his gun out completely and holding it. His vision was blurry and the pain was too much. Carl wasn't sure if he was crying or if he was blacking out from pain. Either way, now was the time to do it. He needed to do it. "I love you both, so much."

Carl thought about heaven. Would his heaven have Rick in it? Would he even make it to heaven? Probably not. But did his soul go anywhere? If heaven and hell don't exist then what happens? It was hard for Carl to believe life ended, completely and wholeheartedly. No more laughing or crying. No more blinking or breathing. It just ends and he no longer exists. Why live if your life is meaningless? Why live if one day you die and thats the end? 

"Carl," Rick was shaking. Carl was heartbroken that this was the last time his father would see him. He wouldn't see him being brave ans strong. He would see his son laying on the ground. Broken and weak and already decaying. "No. I can do it-"

"No," Michonne interrupted. "I promised him I would. You're a child Carl, I'm not.. I'm not making you do this-" Michonne looked beautiful. She always did. Strength and courage made her that way. 

"You're my best friend," Carl argued. If it wasn't such a sad situation he was sure Michonne would poke fun at him. Tell him that no matter the situation that he always had to argue. "I'm not making you do this. I'm still alive-" Barely. "I can do this, please." 

On Carls arm were Ricks tear drops. His father hadn't stopped crying and Carl feared he may never. "I can." Rick said through clenched teeth. "I can, I will, I'm your dad, I shiuld be the last thing you see."

That was Rick Grimes. Too self sacrificing for his own good. Carl admired him for it, mostly because thats how he was. Thats how he ended up getting bit. "I don't want your last memory of me being this. I don't want your last moment with me being when you kill me." Carl gripped his hand and ignored the pain shooting through his body. "I can do it." 

"Carl-" 

"I love you both so much," Carl began. Goodbyes were always hard for him. Saying goodbye to his dad when he left for work. Saying goodbye to his mom when she dropped him off. He never liked goodbyes. They sounded definite. "You've helped me grow up and be who I am and...I.. I don't regret anything. It's all helped me... and I'm just... you guys are so good. You're gonna make this world good again. I know you will, but don't do it for me. Do it for yourself."

"Everything I do, I do it for you," Rick sobbed. Carls heart skipped a beat. Carl had always loved Rick too much. He even told someone about it. Denise. She said when he was younger and went through the trauma of the walkers attacking, he depended on his father. When he did so, his love map was redrawn. Instead of looking at people his own age, he looked at his father. She said it was normal, well, as normal as something could be. "I do it all for you, Carl, I always have." 

"We'll do it in honor of you." Michonne whispered. "I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did this. You saved us, Carl. The world is gonna be good again because you made it good. You kept is human. Whenever we got bad you would bring us back. Your dad won't forget that," She squeezed his hand. "And I won't forget that." 

"Can," Rick took a deep breath. "Can I be alone with him?" He looked at Michonne then at Carl. "I need... I need to tell him some things and..." Rick stopped speaking. Carl knew what he was going to say. Rick was worried Carl wouldn't make it much longer. Carl wondered if Rick could tell his organs were shutting down, being attacked by the virus. 

Michonne kissed his forehead and pushed herself to her feet, walking towards the door of the church, silently. Her shoulders were shaking but her sobs were silent. Michonne had never been one to enjoy showing herself cry. 

"Michonne," Carl called, weakly. "Make sure to watch out for my dad." Carl rubbed his thumb against Ricks hand. "He has a nasty habit of taking care of everyone but himself." 

"Like you," Michonne replied. Carl tried to ignore the sting that the truth brought. She was right. Carl didn't regret doing what he did. "I'll take care of him." She forced a smile, tears streaming down her face. She turned around and walked out of the church. 

"I love you," Rick cried. "I love you so much, you're my boy." His words were slurred and stuttered out as he cried, but Carl didn't care. His dads voice was holding him together like always. "I'm sorry I wasn't better, I'm sorry I didn't protect you and I'm sorry for every time I was angry. You're a good man, Carl, the man I wanna be." Rick hunched over him, his arms curling around Carl in the most delicate way. The gun jabbed into his side and for one selfish moment Carl wanted to shoot Rick. Take Rick with him. "I love you so much."

"I love you, dad..." Carl cupped his cheek, smiling. "I love you more than anything else. What I do... I do it for us." He was crying harder now, with each sob his body was ripped apart. It felt like he was burning. "Just wanted to make you proud." Carl ran his fingers through Ricks sweat soaked hair. The air was damp. Or maybe that was Carls lungs filling with blood. "You were the best dad ever and I wouldn't change a thing." 

Rick shook against him and Carl ignored the pain. The warmth of being near Rick was always comforting. "I'll make sure I will remember you, that everyone will." He pulled away and cupped Carls cheek. "Its not fair that the angels get to have you and I don't. I'm not ready to give you up." Lori always said angels were watching over Carl. Carl didn't believe that. He believed there was one angel and that the angel was his dad. 

"I'm gonna miss you," Carl whispered. "But I'll be with you." Carl always said that when his father left. "I'm always gonna be with you, dad. Never wanna leave you. Ever." He buried his face in Ricks neck and sobbed. "I love you so much, dad. I love you so much. I don't wanna go." 

"I know you don't," Rick whispered. He pulled away and kissed Carls forehead. Rick smelled like smoke and blood mixed together. "I don't want you to either... but... but I will find you, okay? Just like Glenn said to Maggie, I'll find you. Nothing has kept us apart and nothing ever will-" 

"I'm in love with you," Carl breathed out. "Its stupid and pathetic but I don't want to die without telling you..." He clung to Rick, using any strength he had left. "I'm sorry, dad, I'm so sorry, please don't be angry-" 

"I'm never angry with you." Rick whispered. "But....but Carl... I gotta go. Okay?" That was what Rick said before work. Carl tried to pretend thats what was happening. That he knew he would see Rick again but he didn't know for sure. Not knowing felt helpless. Helpless like when Shane and Lori and him left with Rick in the hospital. But Rick found him. Rick will find him again. "Give daddy a kiss." 

Slowly, Carl leaned up and kissed Rick, sliding his hand through his hair and down to his neck. The kiss was heated and angry and rough but gentle all at once. Carl could taste the salt of Ricks tears and Rick could feel his sons breathing get slower and slower. Rick deepened it one last time, slipping his tongue into Carls mouth, just craving to be closer. Rick pulled away and smiled at Carl before getting up and walking towards the door. Rick was pretending he was leaving for work too. 

Carls body burned and tears stung in hos eyes. He was weak and raising the gun was so much harder than it needed to be. He felt like he was on fire and he wanted nothing more than to rip his skin off and let the flames out. But instead he pressed the cool tip of the gun to his forehead and with his last ounce of energy he pulled the trigger.


End file.
